Appraisals:

There nothing like a few good jokes on the lighter side of real estate.  Here are some of the funniest ones sent in by our members.  I guarantee you'll laugh your head off.  Just remember to pick it back up.  You'll need it if you're going to be successful in this business. Lol!  ;-)

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Appraisal Forms - The Next Generation

NEW IMPROVED SPEEDY APPRAISAL FORM Customer Name:________________________________________ Subject Property Address:_____________________________ _______________________________ Description of Subject Property and Neighborhood: Subject property is located in _______________________, a popular, well-maintained area that has enjoyed dramatic appreciation over the past year. Most buyers appeared to be unconcerned with size or overall utility of these homes, and seemed to be paying between $____________ and $____________, regardless of difference in appearance, condition, age, etc. Market Value Assessment: For the above reasons, we estimate the Market Value of the subject property on this date to be: $____________ (Loan agents to fill in blanks with assistance of any real estate salesperson.) I certify that I have not inspected, driven by, or even thought about the property that is the subject of this appraisal. I also promise that I will not interfere in any way with the expedient funding of this obviously worthy property. ___________________________________ ________________ Signature of advocating appraiser Date

Blown Off Course

A newbie balloonist is blown off course and is forced to land. He is in a field close to a road, but has no idea where he is. He sees a car coming along the road and hails it. The driver gets out and the balloonist says, "Howdy! Can you tell me where I am?" "Yes, of course," says the driver. "You have just landed in your balloon, and with this wind you have obviously been blown off course. You are in the top field on John Dawson's farm, 12 miles from Albury. John will be plowing the field next week and sowing wheat. There is a bull in the field. It is behind you and about to attack you." At that moment, the bull reaches the balloonist and tosses him over the fence. Luckily, the balloonist is unhurt. He gets up, dusts himself off and says to the motorist, "I see you're an appraiser." "Good grief," says the other man, "you're right! How did you know that?" "I employ appraisers," says the balloonist. "The information you gave me was detailed, precise, and accurate. Most of it was useless, and it arrived far too late to be of any help."

Creative Appraisal Definitions

Band of Investments - A group of financial officers who hold jam sessions in the back room of the NYSE. Capitalization Rate - The number which is arrived at by dividing the number the client wants by the net operating income. Eminent Domain - From the Latin. Eminent, meaning big, or prominent. Domain, meaning where one lives. Hence, a big house. Fair Market Value - The value of items sold at a country fair. Highest and Best Use - Whatever the person who is paying for the appraisal wants to do with the property. Internal Rate of Return - An often used but seldom understood term of questionable meaning and doubtful significance. Also, the inverse of External Rate of Return. Marginal Utility - Many appraisals. Market Value - Formerly, one sentence which covered the bases pretty well. Now, a page of explanation, some of which appears to be contradictory and imprecise. Depth Tables - Charts used by SCUBA divers and fishermen. Purpose of the Appraisal - To make a living in the appraisal business. Functional Obsolescence - That state of many older appraisers. The Subject - A term police use to identify the victim of a crime. Subject Property - A term police use to identify the belongings of a victim of a crime. Jury - Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer. Trapezoid - A device for catching zoids.

Top Ten Reasons Why It Is Great To Be An Appraiser

10. Dazzle your friends with your knowledge of external obsolescence. 9. The wonderful world of rats, bats, and spiders. 8. Be a part of the profession blamed for the collapse of the savings and loan industry. 7. See places in people's houses that usually require a search warrant to access. 6. Arouse the suspicion of an entire neighborhood when inspecting comparable sales. 5. Chance to really irritate annoying real estate salespeople. 4. Walk around holding a clipboard just like "Skip" down at the Jiffy Lube. 3. Spend hours writing volumes of supporting documentation to justify the market value of a property you already decided on when you pulled into the driveway. 2. See that some people really do hang those black velveteen pictures of Elvis on their living room walls. 1. Be one of a handful of people who know that USPAP is not a medical term.

Wasp In Hand

Why do appraisers carry a wasp in their hand? Value is in the eye of the bee holder.

What Do Those Letters Mean after Appraisers' Names?

MAI Material Annex Item MAI Military Assistance Institute MAI Multilateral Agreement on Investment SRA Satanic Ritual Abuse SRA Selected Reserve Augmentee SRA Selected Restricted Availability SRA Slipring Assembly ASA Acetylsalicyclic Acid (Aspirin) ASA Advertising Standards Authority ASA After School Assignment IFA Integrated File Adapter (IBM) IFA International Federation of Aromatherapists IFA Irish Farmer's Association MBA Main Battle Area MBA Married But Available MBA Modular Body Armor MBA Multiple-Beam Antenna

What Is An Appraiser?

An appraiser is one who compiles and analyzes voluminous data of problematical accuracy from sources of dubious veracity and derives therefrom a numerical quantification of unquestionable necessity, analogous to a nebelous and euphemistic concept representational of value commensurate with ambient configurations of the open market and promulgates thereby a precise written declamation which delineates his observation, deliberations and conclusions all done while he feighns absolute ignorance of the avericious machinations of Buyers, Sellers, Brokers and Lenders, compensated only by that penurious stipend known as the professional fee.

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