Financing And Mortgages:

There nothing like a few good jokes on the lighter side of real estate.  Here are some of the funniest ones sent in by our members.  I guarantee you'll laugh your head off.  Just remember to pick it back up.  You'll need it if you're going to be successful in this business. Lol!  ;-)

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Ask For Date

A good-looking young man began making almost daily trips to my window to withdraw or deposit money. I wasn't sure it was because of me until he presented this note with his bank book: "Dear J: I've been SAVING this question in the hope that I might gain some INTEREST. If free Friday, would you care to DEPOSIT yourself beside me at a movie? I've taken into ACCOUNT that you may be previously engaged; if so, I'll WITHDRAW my offer and hope for Saturday. At any RATE, your company would be much enjoyed, and I hope you'll not ASSESS this as too forward. CHECK with you later.

Clinton At The Bank

If President Clinton has had to do it like the rest of us... this is how it SHOULD have gone: Hi, Mrs. and Mrs. Clinton. So, you want to buy the old Rye Brook place? That is 2.2 million and with the customary 20 percent down ($440,000) leaves a mortgage of $1,760,000. Now, let's have a look at your financial statements... Let's see, Mr. Clinton, you are the President of the United States, of course, and your salary is $200,000 a year. We recommend buying a house that costs no more than two and a half times your annual salary. That means you should be looking for something around $500,000... perhaps a nice brick home? I see here that you will be out of a job in 6 months or so. What will you do then? Open a library? In Little Rock, Arkansas? Yes, dawgies.. I bet that will be some kind of moneymaker? Mrs. Clinton, you are running for Senate, right? Senators are paid $130,000 a year , so even with your pension you are still looking at a house in the $825,000 range. Have you considered a nice center hall colonial? Mrs. Clinton, you haven't worked outside the house since 1991? But you did some volunteer work? You tried to overhaul the entire national health care system? I see. But no one was interested? Yes, Ma'am, I have no doubt they all lacked your superior vision. But you do have other experience? That is good. Oh yes, I see you had several business ventures back in Arkansas. Let us see... what about this Whitewater Development Corporation? Oh, I see. It went bankrupt. Well then, how about Madison Guaranty? Bankrupt. And Castle Grande? Bankrupt, too. You actually did go to Yale though. Uh-huh. A little bad luck with the law, too, I see. That is unfortunate. I note that three of your business partners went to jail. This is embarrassing. I know, but we have to ask because it does, after all, affect your ability to pay. Now, any problems in your marriage? No? Oh, good. Let's look at your assets: You owe $4.5 million. Mr. Clinton, how do you plan to pay that off? Oh! You are hoping people will donate to a special fun. So basically you're relying on the kindness of strangers to bail you out? How nice. You also have some serious expenses at present. A kind at Stanford has got to be setting your back $30,000 to $35,000 a year - probably more with airfares. And she wants to go to medical school? Rack up some major bucks. Any legal problems? Oh, dear. I see a $90,000 fine for perjury, along with possible disbarment. I guess that pretty much rules out any income in the future working as an attorney, doesn't it? Sir, are there any other legal matte we should know about Mrs. Clinton? You do no think she is going to get hit with a perjury of obstruction of justice rap. But you are not totally sure? Interesting. That mean there's a remote possibility - note that I say "remote" - that you could be trying to pay off a $1.76 million mortgage while making 12 cents an hour stitching mailbags for the fed and while Mr. Clinton is trying to make a go of a library in Little Rock. Hmmmmm.. (This is probably why he want to raise the minimum wage.) By the way, I have to ask, How do we know you are not lying on your loan application? (Of course, if you WERE lying, I guess it would look a lot better. We will keep that in mind.) Okay, let us review the situation: One of you in now unemployed and the other one soon will be. Your business partners are in jail. You have debts equivalent to over 22 times your annual income (that you are hoping someone is going to come along and pay) and looming criminal indictments. And your tangible assets seem to consist of an old Ford... Thanks. We will be in touch. THE BANK.

Dear Bank Manager

Dear Bank Manager, I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in the second half of 1999, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes: First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require our chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My authorized contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus: 1. To make an appointment to see me 2. To query a missing repayment 3. To make a general complaint or inquiry 4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received; 5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received; 6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received. 7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home. 8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact. 9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble With a guard at every door And the vaults are filled with silver That the miners sweated for" After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. Best Wishes, Your humble client

FIRST National Bank

FIRST National Bank ., tried to encourage business through billboard advertising, but conveyed quite a different message when the following ad was displayed: "Loans make life easier, at FIRST."

Follow Up

DURING my first year in mortgage banking, I chose follow-up as my prime objective and made sure my clients knew it. On one case, a joint-venture construction loan that had required hours of preparation, I was eager to advise my client that I had finally received a letter of intent. I called his office only to be told that he had left for the day. Frustrated, I relaxed by sailboarding in the harbor near my home. As I sailed along on I noticed a large powerboat cruising nearby and was astonished to discover that the man at the helm was my client. I tacked close to the cruiser, and waved. Incredulous, he waved back and slowed the boat. "Just wanted to let you know I've received a letter of intent," I called out. The deal was sealed soon afterward. Attached to the client's agreement was this postscript: "When you say you follow up on a deal, you really mean it!"

Home Equity Loan

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OWNER To A House Hunter

"Yes, the kitchen is a bit small, but with a mortgage like this you won't do much cooking anyway."

The Bank's Problem

If you owe the bank $100, that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem.

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